I have spent my life always being there for others. Giving advice, being there to give hugs, positivity, and motivation I’ve always been that guy. I’ve done it so much I call helping people “Being Black Dr. Phil”. Its been the way I have been for as long as I can remember. I believe it is something I took from my mom. She has spent her life helping others, even if it meant her not having, she would give to help.
Now while I can give advice and the perfect words to motivate all the time for the people I come around, I tend to not be able to take that same advice when I need it. Sometimes I even think the right things and tell myself the same things I would tell people that helps, and it does nothing. It makes me understand and appreciate the thoughts of hearing things from others that care.
But over my life I have had many times where it seems like the effort, I put towards helping others is just that. EFFORT I PUT TOWARDS HELPING OTHERS. It seems like over my life, from friendships to relationships that same effort isn’t something I get. I know they care, but I have never felt I had someone I can 100% go to about anything. And when I do get comfortable with anyone, I feel I can talk to about anything it seems they always leave, or do something to change that thought. I’ve became so accustom to it that it has changed my mindset on relationships.
I feel that things like that is why I react how I do to things. I have been programed to not open up and talk to people about everything I have going on, leaving me sometimes seeming distant. I have programmed myself to become accustomed to people leaving and not being there, which is from things I’ve done and also many times I feel like I did nothing wrong and people would just ghost me, not telling me anything and leaving me worried and wondering why they left. After a few times you expect it out of people, you expect to be alone, you expect to talk yourself through issues.
All that has made me come to the realize that don’t know how to not be ok. I don’t know how to show that I’m sad, or depressed. I don’t know how to vent completely and let someone in completely all the time. When I try I always tend to get ready to let the guard down completely and either my mind starts to run with reason they might leave, or start preparing myself for it to happen. And for the rare moments I have let my guard down and gave someone that opportunity to be there for me or to know I can rely on them when I need them, I get a reminded why I tend to not expect much. They either disappear, show they don’t care and its just me helping them , or when I need them they are no where to be found.
I want someone in my life I can not think and be myself completely with. I want to be able to cry or just sit for a hour talking about what is on my mind and know its ok to not be ok. Until then I will just have moments to myself. Ill be the one in the room listening to Pastor Troy’s “Face Off” album, rapping every word from front to back like I wrote it, acting like I’m performing it as a form of releasing the anger I have in my heart. Ill continue to tell everyone I’m ok when inside I’m not. I have started to realize that after the initial moment of things bothering me one way or another, I tend to eventually be numb to the issue, even if it still bothers me. The phrase “You know you can come to me” while I think certain people mean it, has become just words. I take it as serious as the “have a nice day” you get from people at the McDonalds drive thru, knowing they don’t care and say it to everyone.
I know its ok to not be ok, when you have to be the strong one for so many you forget it or just want to know that you don’t have to keep it to yourself.