When is it ok to be ok?

I have spent my life always being there for others. Giving advice, being there to give hugs, positivity, and motivation I’ve always been that guy. I’ve done it so much I call helping people “Being Black Dr. Phil”.  Its been the way I have been for as long as I can remember. I believe it is something I took from my mom. She has spent her life helping others, even if it meant her not having, she would give to help.

Now while I can give advice and the perfect words to motivate all the time for the people I come around, I tend to not be able to take that same advice when I need it. Sometimes I even think the right things and tell myself the same things I would tell people that helps, and it does nothing. It makes me understand and appreciate the thoughts of hearing things from others that care.

But over my life I have had many times where it seems like the effort, I put towards helping others is just that. EFFORT I PUT TOWARDS HELPING OTHERS. It seems like over my life, from friendships to relationships that same effort isn’t something I get. I know they care, but I have never felt I had someone I can 100% go to about anything. And when I do get comfortable with anyone, I feel I can talk to about anything it seems they always leave, or do something to change that thought. I’ve became so accustom to it that it has changed my mindset on relationships.

I feel that things like that is why I react how I do to things. I have been programed to not open up and talk to people about everything I have going on, leaving me sometimes seeming distant. I have programmed myself to become accustomed to people leaving and not being there, which is from things I’ve done and also many times I feel like I did nothing wrong and people would just ghost me, not telling me anything and leaving me worried and wondering why they left. After a few times you expect it out of people, you expect to be alone, you expect to talk yourself through issues.

All that has made me come to the realize that don’t know how to not be ok. I don’t know how to show that I’m sad, or depressed. I don’t know how to vent completely and let someone in completely all the time. When I try I always tend to get ready to let the guard down completely and either my mind starts to run with reason they might leave, or start preparing myself for it to happen. And for the rare moments I have let my guard down and gave someone that opportunity to be there for me or to know I can rely on them when I need them, I get a reminded why I tend to not expect much. They either disappear, show they don’t care and its just me helping them , or when I need them they are no where to be found.

I want someone in my life I can not think and be myself completely with. I want to be able to cry or just sit for a hour talking about what is on my mind and know its ok to not be ok. Until then I will just have moments to myself. Ill be the one in the room listening to Pastor Troy’s “Face Off” album, rapping every word from front to back like I wrote it, acting like I’m performing it as a form of releasing the anger I have in my heart. Ill continue to tell everyone I’m ok when inside I’m not. I have started to realize that after the initial moment of things bothering me one way or another, I tend to eventually be numb to the issue, even if it still bothers me. The phrase “You know you can come to me” while I think certain people mean it, has become just words. I take it as serious as the “have a nice day” you get from people at the McDonalds drive thru, knowing they don’t care and say it to everyone.

I know its ok to not be ok, when you have to be the strong one for so many you forget it or just want to know that you don’t have to keep it to yourself.

When the music stops

I have what I have self-diagnosis as “Musical Tourette”. I always say that cause music is played in my mind 24/7, and at any time a random song can be stuck in my head and sung aloud. Sometimes I heard a sound that reminds me of the instrumental to a song, a sample of the song or just a pen taping a table in a certain way can make me think of and sing a entire song. Or random song will get stuck in my head, sometimes songs I hate, and I will sing it over and over until I hear the part stuck in my head. And all day long I hear words that attach me to a song. One minute I could talking about what I need to get when I go to the grocery store, the next I’m singing Hall and Oates because I said or heard the word “list”.

I always thought it was a sign that it is supposed to be doing in with my life, but now its more like something that is just a part of me. I overthink a lot and have songs playing while I’m thinking. And regardless the situation there where always songs playing, to fit the mood or just randomness. Until Saturday.

Saturday afternoon I received a call that a woman who was a mother to me in every sense of the word but biologically, had died. When the call came in I sensed it was that call, but nothing you ever say to yourself or imagine can prep you for a moment like being told you someone that mattered that much is no longer on this earth for you to speak to.

Its like part of you leaves your body, you don’t know what to do or say. You feel heavy, a warmth I’ve never felt throughout my body. Sadness, and trying to grasp the fact of what you just were told. I walked around the house, trying to compose myself, but I nothing I think can help the feeling. I stop, and try to breath, but the more I breathe the more I think. And the more I think the more I start to cry. Hands on my knees like I ran a mile trying to grasp the fact that this is really happening and realizing that… while this hurt… I must be the one who is strong just in case they need it.

After this I haven’t shed another tear. Why? Because I must be the strong one in the family. Even if it is a family that treats me like I don’t exist more than not. I feel I will be needed at some time. But also because I know that while she isn’t here, she would never want me to be sad, or cry. She is the reason I imagine and dream, she has always done anything she could to make sure me and my brother smile and enjoyed life, and had a childhood worth remembering. 

But since I’ve had to deal with the emotional rollercoaster called grief alone, I have realized that he music has stopped. The last few days has just been me spacing out, not really noticing what is going on at times. Or just sitting there listening and thinking of responses. For the first time in many years my thoughts aren’t so frequent, I’m clear headed from a million thoughts and there’s no soundtrack to my life in my mind. I’ve found myself just listening to music as I drive and thinking of nothing but that song that’s on when I’m used to thinking of the next 3-4 songs I want to hear, a few more songs from that artist I haven’t heard in a while and maybe a song or two that sampled the song I’m listening to. It has just all stopped. And I understand, this is just the process of me getting passed this lost. But that doesn’t make me not think, maybe that is something that left when she did. But it can’t be.

I can’t stop imagining, dreaming, wishing, hoping, I cant stop being the full of life kid that she loved and raised to be ok with my imagination. That I should make sure to make the most of that and my potential and max it out. She might not be here, and I know she was proud of me, but now its on me to continue that and to give that same thought process to someone else. Whether it be a future child I don’t know, or my own if I ever have one, I will make sure to give someone the life she gave me and the spark that fueled my imagination.

So while I wait for the music to come back and actually get beyond this moment of sadness, I will keep working to set myself up to make her proud and not let her soul, her love, her spark leave just cause her body isn’t here. I’m not ok, but I know I will be one day and until then I keep working towards bigger and better things, she always wanted me to have.

Pains of forgiveness

I’ve been in this world for 33 years… Had my first gf at 14, to lose her weeks later. Being cheated on at 15 by a girl who I thought was perfect. First serious relationship at 16. Starting what would be a 6 year relationship at 17. Throughout all that the heartache and good moments I have always been a super romantic person. One who believes that everyone has someone perfect for them, and that when they find each other it will be amazing. And I have chased it most of my life thinking sometimes you have to go through things to get that person who makes you think you can lift the world with them in your life. So much that I have allowed people to leave and do me wrong and come back. Cause the feeling they gave me when they were around was so great that I would forgive and try to see if it was still there.

So much that I have let people walk out of my life for no reason, come back days, weeks, months later and pick up where we left off. Feelings still strong, me still expecting something special to happen. I’ve had women ghost me and lie to me about being with someone else, or just not really caring about trying with me. Hearing stories of peoples past making them scared and hesitant to let me in. Regardless how much I try to show how much I want to attempt to see what is there with them. How much I go out of my way to help. No matter how much I listen, care, and want to spend time with them. Texting as soon as I wake up, hoping that I can at least sped the day talking to them and making them feel special.

One girl came to me, telling me that they want a relationship. Telling me they believe in true love like I do and how they want all these great and fun things. Talking everyday, laughing and getting to know each other better. Talking about all the trips and things we wanted to take. Talking about working out and losing weight together. Really trying to connect and build and grow together. All that to be ghosted every time there were plans made. Ghosted for days and getting nothing but “I was busy” or using their kid as a excuse. Even after that I let it go and understood, regardless how much it bothered me. The ghosting continuing for days, weeks, and me showing frustration. Being told that they know its messed up and that their past makes them scared to let someone all the way in and they not knowing how to handle it. Just to be ghosted again like I meant nothing. And even after all that.. the lies and excuses.. I still gave them the chance to be something with me.

Another girl was awesome, I thought the world of her. We went on dates, laughed and was cute every second we were together. We sat in the car talking about how we wanted to travel together, and how we both thought music was like a soundtrack to our lives. Listening to music as we came and making it a thing of telling each other what song popped us on the ride to each other. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she freaked out. To tell me later that night she should’ve said yes, but didn’t. To find out that she was talking to and eventually would choose someone else over me. Not long after telling me that they needed to be alone and worry about things they had going on in life at that. And even after that I was always there, not hoping for anything but as a friend. Hoping to be the best friend I could be. And after the situation went south and she was single again, admitting that I started to fall for her. Her telling me she wants something with me, telling me that “it was you” all along. Just to act like I don’t exist whenever I say anything remotely close to expressing or opening up with them.

Through all the lies, ghosting, arguing, and heartache I’ve remained who I was. Throughout it all I never questioned if I was chasing something that wasn’t real, something that wasn’t in my picture. I know that I deserve that imagine I have for myself. But I have to understand and realize that anyone that really wants to be with me the way I want.. hell the way they claim.. isn’t going to do that. And that’s what I want, someone who will act like they are happy to talk to me. Someone who will text me just to say hi, or to tell me I’m on their mind . Someone who isn’t afraid to be real with me. Who isn’t going to run cause of the first small issue, or cause it gets real and they get scared. Someone whose past is there and we both speak on them and make sure we understand where we came from so we can both appreciate where we go together. And especially someone who shows me that they want something and mean it.  Cause I wont give up on finding someone to build and grow with . Just need to start making sure they show they want to build something with me.. Without me having to guess or question why they disappear.

THE WEDDING SPEECH YOU WANTED

Like everyone else that’s here I’m sure you know video games is the common denominator with me and bone as well. I was introduced to him by a friend and remember just be happy to have a group of people to play cod with. I remember sitting in parties not talking much cause I didn’t know anyone but playing for hours with them. I never would’ve thought that day I would’ve met thee little brother I’ve always wanted. As soon as I started cursing people out and playing search and destroy (which I still hate) me and bone were like a dynamic duo. Then we met this little Hawaiian ass hole and this small brown boy who who played as well. I remember being in parties with them all the time and me and bone knowing that he like her so much. They would play with us all the time. Him being kinda quiet, and her talking shit to everyone (mainly me). We hung out on Xbox for a long time and eventually the four of us met up in Orlando. That day we formed a bond that will never be broken.

Chris – you will always be my little buddy cause.. well you ain’t growing anymore. But no your are a great guy and I’m happy you make my sister happy everyday. She has went through a lot and you had done everything you can to make her happy. And I thank you for that.

Sunny – you get on my nerves. I shouldn’t say more, cause you ain’t shit. But I love you. I will always be here to talk to when your mad at Chris, if you need me you know sis I will do anything to help. Keep being strong and raising the two amazing little ladies you have.

Bone – like I said you, growing up I had 2 brothers, 5 sisters.. and I was the baby of them. I always wanted a little brother who would be someone I could talk to and help with things. Never would’ve thought I would be saying this to you cause you were getting married. But I love you bro. Regardless how much you cheat at call of duty.. and I will see you in the Super Bowl in our madden franchise. But you have grown to be a great man, father figure, and now husband. Make sure to remember.. she is always right. Unless I’m there than I am.

Jen – well, you cane into this guys life and made him happy. You have made him a better man everyday, moved him to this beautiful place.. introduced him to your amazing parents and changed his life for the better. Putting a smile on your face has changed his life for the better and I’m so happy he found you. So welcome to our group. 3 assholes and then the angel named tbent. Keep making him a better man and look forward to life being a part our family.

You will always be the family I’ve always wanted and now I have and will love y’all forever.

Torrence “Tbent” Benton

Sing for the moment

I still remember the day we met. You seeming cool as hell. And me being surprised to have a chance to spend time with someone so amazing. We talked many times and it was nothing but good conversation and laughter. When we met it was at the movies. I remember pulling up and being nervous. The feeling reminded me of when your young and thinking too much about not messing up on the date and scared you will say something wrong that will make her leave. But that’s all went away when I saw your face. When I seen you I could do nothing but smile.

Our connection was something special and I knew it from that second. We would talk all the time, joking and laughing. Everytime we spent time together it was fun and hated the end of every moment. We even connected on things that I never thought I would. Like the thought of the music working as a soundtrack to the moments in our lives.. asking about what song came on in certain situations. I remember a moment you had to tell me something and we were sitting in the car. I remember the song “Boyfriend number 2” coming on and us laughing cause it messed up the moment. I was ready to give you a chance at something I didn’t think I would again. I wanted to be with you without a doubt.

I remember the day I got the courage to ask.. we were sitting there and looked at you and kissed you. Not letting the moment pass, I went for it. Asking you if you would give me a chance to be your man. You started to smile and stutter and seemed to freak out. You then, not knowing what to say next started to talk about how hot it was and then asked if you could go home. I was shocked, not knowing what that meant to the situations and what my answer was. I obliged.. silently.. not knowing what to think. I remember you calling me later and saying you should’ve said yes multiple times, but never actually saying it. After that things that cause it to never be happen. I was so distraught. Thinking I lost a chance at what could’ve been something special.

After time passed I grew and attempted to move pass what I think really made me think to give up on the whole thought on relationships. We stayed friends and I’ve been able mental understand the situation. But it seems like the fact I’m still your friend bothers you. Like you feel you did me wrong and me being nice is a problem. Not because you don’t appreciate my friendship, but cause you still fell bad about it and would rather me be upset about it.

There are times we talk and I, not thinking, will tell you how I would like to see you or miss you (in a friendly way) and you would get distant out tell me I’m making it weird. And While I understand it, it’s not intentional. I genuinely just attempt to be a friend and not let things from the past mess that up. But I would be lying if i don’t still think your one of the most amazing, beautiful people I know. I would be lying if I don’t wish it was me you chose, especially when I hear about certain things your going to. Or that if there’s times I wish, while listening to the right song, you would pull up to my house to tell me you miss what we had, wanting to give it another chance.

But while I sit here, I know that won’t happen. Even if you felt the same way, I’m sure you wouldn’t tell me. And that’s ok. But since I know you probably don’t want me to tell you this and make it weird. I decided to voice my thoughts anyways. Just know I’m still looking outside when the right song has been played.

#Sp4l

Im at this wedding sitting here. Listening to my brother read his vows, over come with emotion and putting them in his pocket. Seeing how much he loves his now wife and without preparation speaking how he feels. Listening to his wife read her vows, speaking on how much she love him and all the stories and things. And all I can think of is you. How much you mean to me and how crazy I am about you. How much seeing your picture when you call makes me instantly smile. How every time I talk about anything with anyone I find a way to connect it to a thought of you. I know you have a lot going on and may never feel the way I do. But everyday I realize more how much I want you in my life everyday. As more than just my best friend. You will be my spades partner for life like we say. But I want you to be more than my spade partner. You already are to me. But I want you to want that as well. And trust me the thought of it actually scares the hell out of me. It’s a huge risk and and I know that that makes you hesitant, which is the same with me. But with that being said, I am willing to risk anything to be the person who makes you smile every day.. the person who you come home to.. the person you call your everything.. everyday I miss you more and every second I see you makes me care more about you. Regardless of what happens and what will come it is worth every second of it.

What I want

What I want

I want to meet someone who is for me the way I am for them. Not cause They want something from me. I want someone who wants to have fun. Laugh and joke without extra ness. To be able to go on trips and know I have that person who will ride wherever. Someone I can talk to about any and everything. Someone I never have to worry about what I say about what or who, someone I never have to feel would shit on me as soon as I’m not around. I want long convos at night and texts during the day. Someone who I don’t expect to not hear or see for days without warning or any reasoning. Someone who won’t lie to my face and then just run when they have to speak. Someone who wants to see me happy as much as I attempt to make them. I want my best friend. Someone who wants to build with me. But will they ever want me.

All I see is people too busy to speak to me for days. Never see me cause I’m just not that important. People who claim they want something they really don’t want. Or something they can’t have cause they have too much to handle and can’t make time for. I

don’t want someone who will continue my good luck chuck theory I have for myself. Just putting in my energy for them to find something great in the next one. Even if they don’t tell me they are talking to the next one.

So until I find any of that, which I doubt I will, I’m giving up on that aspect of life. No reason to waste so much time and energy into someone when it never works for one reason or the other. I could always go into a stage of just meeting people for what they can do for me. But I don’t want to be one of those people. Making people feel like they waste their time like do at the end of every single situation I’ve been in over the past 5+ years.

So if that person comes along than so be it. But as of today I’m not searching for them, they will just have to catch me off guard with how great they are.

To much for the card.

I want to thank you for supporting me. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not doing the best or just feel blah about some of the things I’ve did. But you telling me your proud of me or see that you liked it online,. It means so much more than the other likes and words of encouragement. So I want to thank you for being you. And hopefully you keep that going.

Also, I know what was said and everything. But I still feel I need to say it. I am still very into you. There’s days I just hope your listening to a song that’s perfect for you to come see me or call me and tell me that you want to give me that chance. How I would probably find the perfect song heading to you just in case this is part of the sound we have going (even though you tried to mess it up with “boyfriend number 2”). I’m still excited over the thought of bragging about how awesome my gf is, how beautiful she is.. letting people know how crazy you are but how happy you still make me. And maybe it’s just the hopeless romantic in me but I still hope I get to do all that.

Usually I don’t speak and just let thing do what they do. But I feel like this is something I couldn’t just keep to myself like I would’ve years ago. I really hope this doesn’t put a damper on things or make it weird between us. But I rather you know the truth that just not speak at all.

Christmas cheer

In a week it will be Xmas. People are running around trying to buy gifts for those they care for, full of joy, hoping to have a great Xmas. People excited and in good spirits just for the general love of the holiday. Trees, lights, snowmen, reindeer everywhere over their houses. I remember when I was that way.

As a child I was full of life and happiness. Excited about everything and happy to see anyone. And loved Christmas. I was the kid excited to put the tree up with decorations, help with the lights and figures up, make cookies and everything else a kid would love to do on these holidays. I remember how much my step mom would try to make Xmas fun and she mad sure me and my brother had a good Xmas every year. Things have changed a lot since.

Now that I’m older and things have changed I seem to treat every holiday like another day. The only time I feel any type of joy for the holiday is when I get the important people in my life something for it. But generally ok not happy, jolly, excited, etc. I just mind my business and don’t expect anything.

And it’s clear it is noticed. People always asking me why I’m not excited, when I’m asked what I want I tell them not to get me anything or that it’s ok “I don’t expect anything anyways”.

And the bad part isn’t cause I had a bad childhood or that I’ve been disappointed with Xmas. I didn’t know why it was. But now that I have spent some time thinking on it I know why it is.

I don’t have anyone to celebrate them with or a family to be excited to see.

I have a few people I get things for and getting things for my best friends son, seeing the excitement he gets from getting something small.. that is why I love this holiday. It’s why I love all the main holidays. But I don’t have many constants in my life that I get to celebrate those with. Not only on a relationship level but period.

I’m the youngest of 7. 1 has passed (rip Connie) and out of the rest of them I have no relationship with any of them. Only 2 I have spoke to in the last 3 years. I don’t have their number or even know where they live. I can’t say that’s all their fault as I haven’t really tried to reach out to them. But it’s one big reason I don’t celebrate this holiday.

It makes me want someone to celebrate them with. Or a family to show that spirit I was taught as a kid. I’m not ready for a family but it has been a thought as to why I don’t have fun anymore now. Even when I do have people I can celebrate it with I don’t feel that excitement, maybe they aren’t who I’m suppose to be spending with, maybe it’s just me. Idk. But I know but getting that Xbox game, and seeing him excited and hug me for his early Xmas present was one of the best moments I’ve had this year.

So one day, when things work out the way they deserve to for me I will be that kid again, with the tree and lights. Santa on the roof, and presents under the tree. One day I will have my reason for celebration.

Reminder of…

I while ago I posted a blog about someone who a song reminded me of. After that moment we became friends again. And still talked after some time. Regardless how much we fought and argued we always tend to end up either hanging out or talking all the time. There was even a time where I have her another chance, after a long relationship that I learn a lot from. That person I will speak about in another their post.

That other chance I have her was short lived. We talked for a few days. And came to the agreement of trying again. But not long after that she was moving to Virginia. We still said we would try to make things work. Before she left we still hung out and talked often. And would email, text, etc just to make sure we spoke as much as possible.

She wasn’t the type of person to be open with feeling and affection. So sometimes reading her wasn’t as easy as it is with some. But when she left and got to where she was going she changed. I’m not sure why, but it was a good change. She was sweet and cute often. Telling me she missed me al the time and having good convos without our normal arguing. She even told her family about me and everything.

When she got back things weren’t like that and it kinda messed things up. She wasn’t the same affectionate sweet all the time person like she was when she was gone. So eventually we broke up. But stayed good friends.

To this day after knowing her for almost 15 years we are still good friends and am thankful for that.

Today she sent me a screenshot of a old email she sent me before she left and it gave me a realization. The email said:

Whew I dont know where to start…. Im emailing because I dont wanna send five hundred text messages…And I want you to save this forever… The years I have know you have been very rough and on and off again, but they have also been the most special. I really truly believe that you are the only one that completely understands me and likes me for who I am.

The amount of times you have told me that im beautiful are enough to last me a lifetime, you make me feel beautiful. I believe.you were made me for me, of course things wont be perfect but they never are…Im sad that im leaving right after I finally got what I wanted..which is you.. *tear*… The thought of you being with someone else hurts me so bad…i wish I could look you in your eyes and tell you this…When I kissed you earlier I tingled inside..*weird lol*…Your such a great person even when im mad at you jus seeing you makes me smile or blush. I told you I loved you once and now im telling you again I love you so much, you will always have a spot in my heart….ps…I always have :-)….

I didn’t remember this email until now. I had looked and even found the email from 6+ years ago.

But what I realized is that seriously forgot that someone could actually feel like that much lately. I have had someone I thought felt this way. But then just turned upside at the drop of a hat. I sometimes don’t feel I deserve messages like this and forgot hw it felt.

So I want to thank her (if she reads this) for reminding me of that. While I don’t expect that to change things in my life right now, I’m thankful for the random reminder.